From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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