she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
