I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
