watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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