It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
