Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
