Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
