So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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