And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
