I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
