2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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