great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
