I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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