I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
