i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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