just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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