if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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