After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
