I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
