i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
