11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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