That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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