I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
