Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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