you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
