I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
