Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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