In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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