Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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