did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
