it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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