Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
