I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
