I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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