i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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