Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
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i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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