the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
