Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Holy sore nipples Batman
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
