Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
