someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
