My liver just broke up with me...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
