She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
