I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
