I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's Friday. Sex?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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