Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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