Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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