Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
