you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
