if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
