I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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