sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
