You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
