You're so nebulous sometimes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though