tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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