Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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