Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
