Soap is not a condiment
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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