I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
